Dive Humor

DIRECTORY

• A Lawyer for a Dive Buddy
• Golfers
• Is Your Buddy Narced?
• Definitions For Tourists
• Of Politicians and Light Bulbs
• Famous Quotes
  (Nothing to do with diving, but an enteresting diversion)
• Back to Home Page

Signs that your Dive Buddy is a lawyer:

• He threatens to sue Smuckers for his Jellyfish stings.
• He exclaims, "The only Bends that I'm going to get is a Mercedes."
• He doesn't need a cage to dive with sharks because of professional courtesy.
• He reminds you not to leave your dive gloves behind, saying,"If only O.J. had listened."
• He actually reads every word of the Liability Waiver Form.

Signs that a Golfer wishes he/she were Diving

• He brags that he Lobstered the 9th hole.
• He rejects the 3-wood and asks for the blue semi-dry snorkle instead.
• He pulls out his score-card, does some quick math and announces that he is an "H" golfer and must wait three hours befor teeing off.
• He introduces himself as the 1997 Masters Champion, "Tiger Shark".

Signs Your Buddy is Narced:

• He keeps staring at himself in your mask.
• You find him buddy-breathing with a grouper.
• After you surface, he keeps trying to buddy-breathe through your snorkel.
• She keeps giving her octopus to an octopus
• He pulls off your fin and tries to breathe off your big toe.
• His mask fogs under water, and he spits in it.
• Your mask fogs under water, and he spits in it.
• He looks at you cross-eyed and slurs his bubbles.

Definitions for Tourists:

............ TERM ................................. TRANSLATION

Old world charm ................................. No bath
Tropical ............................................. Rainy
Majestic setting ................................. A long way from town
Options galore ................................... Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway ............................ Impossible to find or get to
Pre-registered rooms .......................... Already occupied
Explore on your own ........................... Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts .................... They've flown in an airplane before
No extra fees ..................................... No extras
Nominal fee ....................................... Outrageous charge
Standard ........................................... Sub-standard
Deluxe .............................................. Standard
Superior ............................................ One free shower cap
All the amenities ................................ Two free shower caps
Plush ................................................ Top and bottom sheets
Gentle breezes .................................. Occasional Gale-force winds
Light and airy ..................................... No air conditioning
Picturesque ....................................... Theme park nearby
Open bar ........................................... Free ice cubes

Politicians and Light Bulbs:

How many politicians Does it take to screw in a light bulb----------462.
Twelve to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the old bulb,
Twenty-three to deregulate the light bulb industry,
Sixteen to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D,
Thirty-four to cut the tax rate on light bulbs,
Fifty-three to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb,
Forty-one to talk with defense contractors about night-vision gear instead,
And two hundred eighty-three to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs on the Internet.